Friday, February 24, 2012

I just don't know...

So I have to get this off my chest, or I'm afraid I might burst.

Last night I was talking to my friend and we were talking about crushes, and she admitted to me that she has had a crush on a guy since the 4th grade, that's like 11 years.  And I asked her why she never told me and she said, "Well I was ashamed. He was my best Friend, it was weird."

And all I could think was WOW. Because Im in almost the same situation, only he's not my best friend and it's been more like 13 or 14 years that I have been crushing on him. (Different Guys) So I asked around to a couple of my other friends and some of them feel the same way, so I figured if it could happen to us, it could happen to anyone.  Anyone male or female could be going through what I'm going through, what my friends are going through, so I want to tell you this, maybe it'll help you find some comfort.

When I was in 3rd grade we moved to a new neighborhood.  One of the first days we were there I took a walk, as I made it to the corner I saw some kids playing basketball....And I saw him.  In that moment I had a crush, did I know that it was going to become this long drawn out thing? No, all I knew was that he was SOOO CUTE.

I won't bore you with our every encounter, but suffice it to say it left a mark on me. And no matter how hard I tried NOT to like him.... Nothing worked.  He was a year older than me and I was madly in like with this older guy, and as the years passed and I went into 5th and 6th grade this crush just grew.

He would come over and laugh and talk, and we would hang out and with every word he spoke, with every smile he smiled I fell deeper and deeper.  And he KNEW it.  I wasn't very good at hiding my feelings, Im pretty sure EVERYONE knew I liked him.

Well, one day we're talking about it and he tells me I'm to young for him.  Now you would have thought that would at least dampen this STUPID crush, but no....It didn't.  It made me angry though, the big JERK. I mean seriously dude, I'm a YEAR younger than you! REALLY!?  But of course I just smiled and nodded.  And although he will probably deny it, he did use my crush to his advantage.  But I let him, I guess I figured that if I did stuff for him he might stop seeing me as to young for him.

Yeah I know, young and dumb though, remember?

I still remember his smile, his laugh, and how he would talk to me when he and his friends would go by on their bikes or whatever.

So anyway, A few years ago I thought I had this stupid crush GONE.  That it had packed its bags and FINALLY left me... But I was sorely mistaken. My friend and I were at the store, and for some reason had started talking about him, and neither of us had seen him for quite a while and we were laughing and joking and when we walked out the door BAM there he was. Driving by.  I know! Weird right! Well we got his attention and he stopped and talked for a while and then he and I exchanged numbers.

Well He came over that night and we had fun, joking and goofing around. Having a good time, and with every moment I felt myself falling back to where I was.  Realizing that I was NOT over him...No matter how hard I tried to be. And then....We kissed. It was short, more like a peck. But it was enough for me. The moment his lips touched mine it was like I had been electrified. His arms were around my waist and Im pretty sure that if he hadn't been holding me I would have melted to a puddle on the floor.

No one knows we kissed, not even my sister, so Im sorry Bean, but that little morsel was for me only.  That was one thing I had to hang on to the hope that MAYBE I would finally get the guy that I had liked for so long... But of course, that didn't happen, and it still hasn't, so now it's yours world.

And the thing is, I'm still not over him.

I don't see him and I rarely talk to him, but it's still there....Im pretty sure it's one of those things I will never get over.  There are times when I'll IM him or something, and we'll talk for a few minutes but it's nothing more than that. And yet this crush won't leave me alone.  I see his picture, or I hear his name and it all comes rushing back to me.

Sometimes, the things he says when we're IMing I can hear him saying. I can see his smile. And it's just sad. I know it is, but I just can't help it.

My friend and I were talking the other day and she asked, "Well do you think it's just the idea of him?" And of course I was like, what a brilliant question! That could very well be it. But...Im afraid it's not. That night, I talked to him, and my stomach started doing backflips, and I couldn't help but smile.  I don't think it is just the "idea" of this man that has me all......Crushy.

Now, I am ashamed too. I'm ashamed of this crush.  Because deep in my heart I know that there will never be anything between us.  In his eyes I will always be the dorky girl across the street that had a crush on him.  I'll always be too young in his eyes. I will never make it past that.  And yet, even though I know that...I can't stop liking him.

So know this, even if you have a crush on someone, even if it's unusually long, just know that there is always someone out there in the same situation you're in.  There is always someone liking someone else, even if there's not a chance.  There is always someone afraid to say what they feel.  There is always someone who is ashamed of their feelings, or ashamed about who they have feelings toward.

If you're in a tough spot like me and some of my friends keep your head up, know that we are right there with you feeling what you're feeling, and most likely thinking what you're thinking.  And know that you can come to us anytime.

You can't help who you like...Or in my case... Love.

If you made it through this then wow, I just noticed how long I rambled, and Im sorry!!!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

No comments:

Post a Comment